Unselling My Soul

Journal entries about my walk with God.

December 24th, 2023

The weather on the key is beautiful. We drove eighteen hours for it. Yet, I’m locked away upstairs like a poisoned Rapunzel. Yesterday, my boss told me that I won’t get my holiday bonus. A sense of injustice paralyzed me. Never mind that I’m making a more than comfortable salary. Never mind that a promotion in HR software is my worst nightmare. I have a book coming out in a few months. And book launches require funding. Today, I feel robbed. Drunk on greed, clinging for dear life to my short end of the stick.

“Haven’t you had enough of this?” Colin asked me.

“Do you know what I just lost?”

It’s true, I’ve had more than enough of this. But what else is there? Success has a price. Always a little more. And by that metric, I’m closer now than I ever have been.

“It’s Christmas Eve, Lindsey. Won’t you get out of bed and come down?”

But I can’t. Rapunzels are meant to be rescued. I just got my hair cut.

December 27th, 2023

We’ve been driving home for nearly two days. Today, traffic has us in gridlock. We’re stuck in a police chase just inside of Houston, a few hours from home. Colin’s phone is off the hook. He works at a startup. Startups are always on. Conditions are always foggy. But that’s what we love about one another: how ambitious we are. We want to push things forward in our respective industries. (Me to writing & him to finance) We also want to have nice things and take good vacations and then come back to a home with a swimming pool. Success, right?

Have we been losing sight of our relationship? We work so much. The only vacations we ever take are to see our families. And usually, we work through those too. I want to invest in my author business. Colin wants to provide for us. We love each other. But, we worship our careers.

“What about a solo vacation? We could use one.”

“What about church? It’s really helped my parents.” Colin said.

“An old coworker invited me to one four years ago. Maybe the invitation still stands?”

January 14th, 2024

I grew up in the Bible Belt of East Texas. In my adulthood, the band always fit a few loops too small. My conceptions about church were formed in cement. Good ideas. Judgemental people. Isn’t spirituality somewhat the same as Christianity, anyway? It’s all about what’s palatable for you.

Despite the freezing rain, we’re somehow a few minutes early. We’d attended another church on Christmas that enabled us to imagine ourselves patrons of a theatre performance. An ACL worthy light show, live acting, and a preacher who did stand-up for most of the night. We felt entitled to our opinions about church - and they were not good ones.

‘The Story You Will Tell’ is projected behind the stage as we settle into our seats in the back of the room. The pastor begins by asking the crowd to think about the one thing they would change about themselves. He sits on a mat and tells us a biblical story of a paralyzed man stuck within victimhood and powerlessness. He denounces the boy scout badges of religion and tells us about his 9 year drug addiction. Then he picks up the mat, walks away from the crowd as he says: “You can change.”

On the way home, we don’t talk much.

“That was different.”

“Good different.”

"Yeah, I think I’d like to go back.”

January 30th, 2024

DCA is anything but charming. My company just spent a few thousand dollars for me to fly out for a forum that I had no business being in. The content of the meeting was so far outside my expertise that I spent the morning stapling papers for the government to feel a sense of justification for being in Washington at all.

“I feel so wasteful. I really didn’t need to be here.” I tell Colin on the phone.

He tells me to shake it off. It’s an ends to a mean.

He’s right. This industry isn’t that bad on the surface. Not for the reward. But on Saturday, Colin and I went hiking and I didn’t get a half mile before I broke down into a panic attack about Monday. This has become a regular thing. Also, a regular thing: my constant dreams that I’ve sold my soul for money. They’ve gotten worse since attending church.

I try not to think about the dreams. This role is allowing me to save money to invest in my author career while living comfortably. That’s not selling my soul. It’s a game of chess. Still, I worry about the pieces I’ll lose in the game.

Most of the people in my industry don’t have kids of their own. A lot of them are unmarried. Some of my managers, who have both kids and spouses, complain that they haven’t seen them in nearly six weeks because of work travel. One man is about to be a father for the first time. I asked how he could contain his excitement. He says he’s worried about how paternity leave will affect his projects at work.

“I don’t know…Maybe this lifestyle isn’t for me.” I tell Colin on the phone. I pull out my laptop and apply for jobs on the internet before boarding the plane.

February 15th, 2024

I signed up for a women’s group through the church. I don’t know what to expect, but I know I’m not going to make a good impression. I’ve been crying all day.

My new assignment at work is foreign to me, an area of our tech that I’ve never seen before. My project manager, very senior in his career, spends about an hour personally berating me for not having the prior experience he needs and for not working extra hours to obtain it. He says he’s trying to help. It all feels a bit far-fetched to me, a performance coded in corporate that I need to play my part in. He drops ambiguous buzzwords before setting an expectation I work 60+ hours a week to catch up to his expertise. In poor timing, I log off early to attend the church group.

I met the other women in tears, and they couldn’t be more kind. As we talk, I tell them that I feel like I’m living a lie, pretending to be something I don’t even want to be. When I leave, I’m a bit surprised. I’m not sure I’ve ever admitted that to anyone. Not even myself.

February 18th, 2024

My relationship with Colin is as good as it’s ever been. Something about going to church together, praying together, and trusting God together is working for us. We seem to be on the mend towards a better relationship. We’ve got it under control. I think we even said that on the way to church today.

Not even an hour later, the pastor is calling us out. Talking about how to do a relationship the right way. He says it’s time to give up control of our relationship and make it God’s. He reads Ecclesiastes 4:12, which says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A braid of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Then, he challenges us to invite God into the center of our relationship, to make him that third strand, to leave our old ways behind. He urges us to braid our commitment to each other into a commitment to God. We talk in the car about how we think we want that. We’re happier than we’ve ever been since we started this faith journey. Maybe we should fully commit to this way of life.

Impromptu, Colin asks me if I want to walk the dog at our favorite park after church. Of course, I do.

Towards the end of the walk, Colin says my full name. Lindsey Jean Lamar. When I turn around, he’s on one knee with a box in his hand. He gives a speech. He says he wants to commit to me forever, with God at the center. Right there in Mueller Park, we invite Christ to be our center braid. We’re not really sure if we did it right. But, we’ve never felt so at peace.

When my eyes are clear of water, I’m able to really look at the ring. Funny enough, it has three diamonds. The showstopper is in the middle, and two smaller ones are on the outside. The band is even braided around the diamonds.

“It’s a symbol. From the sermon today. Our commitment we made.”

“Wow, that is crazy. There’s even a braid.”

But is it crazy? Things have never made more sense than they do today.

Ikeah Jessine Photography, everyone!

February 27th, 2024

I woke up, and my novel was out in the #1 New Release spot on Amazon. Excitement pours over me. But it’s hard to shake my dream. Another one that I’m selling my soul for money. I’ve been praying for weeks over what to do at work. I’m losing rapid weight under the stress of working long hours; I’m not sleeping. And every night, I’m dreaming myself a soulless slave to money.

I’m not sure what I expected from putting my faith in Christ. Maybe it would all work out through divine intervention alone? God gave me the fiction writer’s gift. I know it’s my talent. But, I have no trust in myself when it comes to taking the leap and pursuing it full-time.

After my book release party, I feel like I can’t breathe. The return back to work feels impossible. I asked God what to do with my talent. He said unbury it.

But shouldn’t I pursue a stable career?

God said creativity can be a stable career.

What about the money? Shouldn’t you bless me with an opportunity first?

God asked me to have faith.

February 29th, 2024

The dreams about selling my soul are so visceral now. Every night they haunt me. I’m starting to look visibly ill.

The girls in my church group are prayer warriors. They pray over me as I announce that I’m quitting my job tomorrow. Some of them have told me to expect temptations from the devil as I make these life changes to pursue God’s purpose. To be honest, I don’t really know what that means, but I pretend to.

March 1st, 2024

I’m going to quit today. From the moment I wake up, my hands are shaking. But, God is there. He reminds me that he came to make me new. To leave the career that puts evil in my heart. That I can change through His strength.

My study from March 1st | Milk & Honey by Cambria Joy.

I scheduled the meeting to quit. Not even an hour later, I got a call from someone I’d never heard of at the company’s accounting department. He says there was a mistake and that I’m getting the bonus after all—the one that I cried about on Christmas Eve. It will hit my account in a little over a month.

I have to walk away from my computer. I called Colin, and I started strategizing how to stay long enough to get the check. Crying comes next. I feel again like I’m putting a dollar sign on the price of my soul.

“Pray about this, Lindsey. You’ll know what the right decision is.”

Everything feels like a grey area. I barely mutter a prayer over the waves of my anxiety.

My old boss at my prior company had a call scheduled. We were just planning to catch up. She left technology to start her own website design company, and I wanted to talk to her about it. I’ve been wanting to do something similar for a long time.

We’ve never talked about religion or faith before, but she randomly said she feels called to share her testimony with me. A story about how God called her away from corporate consulting, pregnant with her first kid, and with an uncertain future. It was a story of trial and of faith. There were some struggles. But God provided for her because she obeyed. And she has her own business.

I tell her about my situation at work. When we’re about to hang up, she tells me this. Verbatim: “They might try to offer something to make you stay. Remember, there is always another bonus or another promotion. Don’t put your dreams on pause for that.”

At the end of the day, I gave two weeks’ notice and quit. Colin and I pop champagne. God chimes in.

May 4th, 2024

I had another dream, but this one was different. Celebrities were calling out to me on the street as I walked my path. I had directions in hand, but the crowds lining the roads told me that they were wrong. Some of them were holding onto hundreds of roses. Some of them were seated in nice convertibles—all things that I have found attractive in the past. They told me all of this could be mine. Just stop walking, and it will be. So, I stopped for a minute on the street. I looked at what they had. I even felt my heart long for it.

But in this dream, I said no. I said I had to keep moving. I don’t sell my soul.

It’s the last dream I’ve ever had about it.

Today

I’ve been putting off sharing this story with you all for a few reasons.

On the one hand, my Substack has been closely intertwined with new-age spirituality and the worship of success. I felt called to throw out both of those. (RIP: my meditation books and crystals are somewhere in a landfill.) Given all the changes I've made in my life, I wasn’t sure how to write to you guys anymore. After throwing out my old beliefs, I felt like the last person on Earth you should take advice from. I certainly don’t feel knowledgeable enough to pastor anyone biblically, but I felt called to share this testimony.

God seems to like characters that don’t feel qualified.

Since I quit my job, things have been up and down. I signed my first few private clients for a business I’ve always hoped to start. (1:1 consulting for independent authors) My income is semi-inconsistent. My book went #1 on an Amazon bestseller list. A company was interviewing me for almost seven weeks for a role that I thought was a dream - just to realize later it wasn’t from God. I’ve cried and doubted and been terrified. But, I’ve also surrendered.

Today, I have Christian friends who have challenged my perspectives and poured out wisdom every time we talk. I have a beautiful commitment: not just with Colin but with Christ. And yet, I still struggle every day. But now more than ever, there’s so much peace in the struggle.

It has been nerve-wracking to announce such a radical life shift. Especially amongst you. But, this is where I’m at now. And I can’t wait to rejoin my blog with new eyes, whatever comes with that.

For now, I’ll leave you with this. Something I’m trying to remember daily. Even as I write this:

Jesus replied: “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

John 13:7

I love you guys. Thanks for reading.

-linds