The Best Breakup You'll Ever Have

The How-To Strategy on how I ditched my bad cellphone habits

 “Imagine walking into a control room with a bunch of people hunched over a desk with little dials, and that that control room will shape the thoughts and feelings of a billion people. This might sound like science fiction, but this actually exists right now, today.”- Tristan Harris

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In 2017 an article entitled ‘Are Teenagers Replacing Drugs With Smartphones’ was released by The New York Times. This article encapsulated a ten year study done on teenagers and their drug use amid the opioid epidemic. While the drug use in teens did indeed decrease overtime, the scientists and researchers couldn’t figure out why. Until they started asking the kids.

The numbers were too large to point toward unified acceptance of major drug campaigns. Even if researchers knew this, that was still the hope behind it.

“People are carrying around a portable dopamine pump, and kids have basically been carrying it around for the last 10 years,” said David Greenfield, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine.

While I’m grown now, my first relationship with a smartphone started eleven years ago. It wasn’t until a year ago that the foggy brain, the never-ending anxiety, and laggy memory struck me as a problem. In a conversation with someone they asked me why I challenged a certain ideology.

In the not so wise words of Donald Glover: “Because of...the Internet?”

For some years of my life, my belief system had been mind-flogged online. I paid attention to what I was told to. I read the news in a slant. And I failed to see the problem with this groupthink brainwash I’d grown up with. My brain-chemistry was under attack. As many of ours was.

It’s been over a year now on this phone-breakup journey and I can finally say I’ve learned how to create boundaries with my cellphone - as ridiculous as it may sound. My daily screen time has gone down from hours (sometimes as many as four) to minutes. Now, I’m the happiest I’ve been with lowered anxiety, stronger relationships, and free-thinking abilities. I’m often prompted about the breakup process when I discuss it. So, in all of its bovine glory, here’s how I got phone-clean:

Stocking The Tool-Kit

The first and favorite thing I did to catalyst the journey was order a book you’ve heard me speak to many times now: ‘How to Break Up with Your Phone’ by Catherine Price. I tried every technique in this book and even made up my own. Overall, crafting my own strategy turned out to be more beneficial for me. Yet, reading the book made me hyper-aware of the problem.

Then, I did two things the book will not suggest to you. First, I bought a new phone. Mostly because I was in desperate need of one. (You don’t have to buy a new one too, but if you have an old iPod or laptop lying around - that’s great!) Lastly, I ordered a cheap phone stand by my own methods and thus was on my way to freedom!

What Didn’t Work

It took me a solid year to get my methods right, so I won’t go over each of them. But, I will list a few here in case any interest you:

• Turned my phone to greyscale mode (Didn’t work for me)

• Set up phone automations for social media apps that would text

my accountability partner if I got online. (That worked before the

app fatally crashed, and very much annoyed my partner)

• Deleted the apps that drained my time and energy (Worked for

about two or three days at a time)

My Three Step Cheat Code

When I purchased a new phone, everything changed for me. And while this might sound like one of the lines from a phone-addicted teenager - hear me out. The new phone fast-tracked my process and lowered me into the twenty to thirty minutes of screen time a day category. A cheers is in order, this was my goal all along.

First, I acknowledge not everyone is in the position to buy a new phone. Whether you are or you aren’t, step one is relatively the same:

Buy Default, Be Default:

 Delete all of the apps, all of the data, and all of the cushy things that make your phone feel so personable to you. It’s in our human nature to want to stamp and accessorize our everyday items to match us. Our phones are no different. We can create different fonts, ringtones, colors, layouts, and more for nearly every UI experience we have with the smartphone. This subconsciously creates the idea that your phone is your friend, not a tool. It’s an imprint of you. As Catherine Price says “If you take a critical look at your phone’s personalization settings-as in, what settings you have control over which you don’t- you’ll notice that we have lots of control over features that make you spend more time on our phones, and very little over those that don’t.”

Keeping your phone clean is your biggest asset in the phone-breakup journey. The only apps I have downloaded onto my new phone are my banking apps, music app, my work email app, my airline app, Rover, and AllTrails. Everything else is clean default. Why? Because it breaks you apart from mindless scrolling: a habit we subconsciously program ourselves to do. A few months ago I realized that I had subconsciously clicked for something to phub on my phone. And it takes about thirty seconds of boredom-scrolling Rover to realize you’re acting on automation.

The less interesting you can make your phone, the more likely you are to enrich your life apart from it.

The Dinosaur Second Device:

When I bought a new phone last year, I decided to keep the old one as what I refer to as my “iPod.” I wiped the functionality of the ‘iPod’ to have three main functions: it can check social media, it can play music on my home speakers, and it has an app that tells me when it’s time to water my plants. Other than that, it’s useless.

This old-phone I bought in 2016 has a plethora of problems, which is what prompted me to get a new one. Yet, it is still kicking. The idea behind my dinosaur second device is that I keep apps on it that would make my primary phone fun or interesting. I disabled iCloud from the device and made it as factory as possible. I also disabled all notifications on the device - a crucial step. Of course, you can apply this same principal to a laptop, an iPad, whatever. The device itself doesn’t matter. Just the concept.

 This phone is hard to use. Not just because of its janky quality, but because I’ve gifted it an extremely long password that annoys me to type, it has none of the apps I actually need to use (texting for example), and I can’t easily browse something on it between another action on my primary phone. (Example: Waiting for a call back and scrolling social in between) In fact, this iPod is almost guaranteed not to disrupt my day because of point 3:

The Old Ball and Chain:

Alas, you’re about to see into my life and be able to know exactly where I am and what I’m doing every time I interact with you on social media.

My final rule for my iPod is that it never leaves my living room. I spend most of my time in my office area, my kitchen, or my bedroom area. Occasionally, I’ll read a book in my living room (it doesn’t have a TV), but I don’t spend much time there unless I have company or my dog wants somewhere to play Tug-Of-War.

On an even stricter note, my old phone stays on the phone stand at all hours of the day. If I want to use the ‘iPod’ it has to be while in the chair closest to it. Arguably, the least comfortable chair in the home because of the chilly vent draft above it. Because I rarely want to sit in that chair, I rarely use the phone. Meaning I rarely use social media, watch YouTube, or browse the web. If I do decide to catch up on social media or my plants, it’s an extremely intentional act. As busy as I am, I don’t find the time to sit in the chair very often. In fact, when I do have free time I usually prefer to read in bed or on the couch: two places the iPod isn’t allowed.

Because the iPod is not allowed out of the house and it is my only direct line to social media and time-wasting apps, when I’m traveling or out with friends - I’m fully present in the moment. Unless I want to scroll Rover, there’s nothing my functional phone (the new one) allows me to do that kills time. This has annoyed me on occasion, sure. At the airport, at the nail salon, whatever it may be. But, overall, it’s a small tradeoff to pay and has allowed me to do more of what I truly love in those bored moments: call a friend or read a book.

I’m Not A Phone Doctor

 I’m not a doctor nor am I a therapist. I can only tell you what’s enhanced my life for the better and how I did it. One of the strategies that Catherine Price offers might work better for you. But, for me - this was it.

If you’re trying to lower your screen time, give yourself some grace during the process. It’s not your fault it was designed to alter your brain chemistry. I wish you the best of luck on your breakup journey. Remember that it’s always a tool and never your best friend.

-linds